Fifty six… the exam haul is well underway. I think I have basically finished my first paper (I know- I literally banged in out in a matter of days, and I may well be done well before the deadlines are due but that just means a longer summer). I feel pretty drained right now, so that I’m not much conversation at the dinner table these days, but honestly, sometimes my head just feels fried with the amount of reading and thinking and writing. Surely this is stimulating lots of- is it grey matter?- in the brain, which should highly reduce the risk of early onset dementia, so let’s look on the positive side.
On another positive note, I am really enjoying Como Agua! It is a book in the magical realism genre, which takes a while to get your head around. Basically, I think it is a Mexican literally genre (but like most things has been appropriated all around the world) but kind of comes from believing in magic, but actually believing that it is real- I think. Have a wee read here about what it is as I don’t think I am explaining it very well. Whereas books like Harry Potter are definitely about magic, magic realism books kind of put magic in real life situations, so that it seems fully viable that it happens. I feel like I’m reading it all as a lot of metaphor, hyperbole and stuff, but I’m not sure if this is a correct reading lol. After exams, I might read more about it, and try to understand it myself.
On a less positive notes, a few unis have announced online teaching for Autumn. I have mixed feelings about this; of course its annoying that I am paying for uni and really want a real uni experience, but at the same time I am aware that I am still recovering from an eating disorder, and it may have been highly unlikely that I would have been able to make it back to uni then anyway. So, I almost am half glad that everyone is missing out on uni and not just me, because I may well have become a distance learner anyway, but I know this is very selfish. Still, if there ever was a time to enter into anorexia recovery this is the time. The perfect excuse not to leave the house, don’t have to miss out on anything, can experiment with eating different foods, can worry less about gaining weight because no one sees, and most importantly I have family support 24/7. And I deep down know that had corona not happened, I probably would not have come home during easter, and I would be back at uni now, miserable, exhausted and starving.
Well, on a more cheery note, I am in general not finding exams too stressful. I am getting through them, as I knew I would, and only about a week to go until I am free for who knows how long into the future. Maybe December at this rate…
Fifty seven… another day, another early morning start and straight to my laptop. Well, not complete straight to my laptop, as I’ve started becoming a big fan of taking my time with my morning stretches. Like I really enjoy them, which is weird because I don’t like yoga, and never really got into Tai Chi, and I can’t do pilates to save my life, so it would make sense to not enjoy stretching as well. Right? Well, wrong- honestly stretching is literally the best part of my day, and I think its because with stretching I can do them at my own pace and do what I want, where I always find yoga and all that just a bit too slow and boring. Once I get bored with one move, I just do something else and by the end of it I feel all woken up and pretty ready for my day. When exams end (I feel like my life is just me saying ‘when exams end…. and I bet that when they do end I will not do half the things I think I will lol) I may dedicate more of my life to stretching. Who knows- I could become really good at it? (although since I still can’t touch my toes- which is weird since I have been stretching every morning for the past two months lol- this is not the most likely, but a girl can dream).
I had a very enjoyable chat with my therapist this morning, and I am actually starting to quite like her. Although, apparently it’s quite hard to be a therapist and get this balance, because they need to be liked enough by their patients that people open up to them, but they can’t be liked too much, or else the person will become dependent on them. Quite a hard balance to strike, but I think mine does an excellent job- she’s good at listening and everything, but I’m not super in love with her or anything. I’ve noticed though that she doesn’t really give much advice; I think the point of cognitive behavioural therapy is that I am meant to come to my own conclusions and answers about everything, and not be told by someone else, although I wouldn’t mind is she shared her advice just a wee bit more, but I think creating silences is meant to encourage someone to open up more, which even though I know this is the reason she is being silent, it does still work to be honest. Its like a game of who is going to break the awkward silence first, and it does always end up being me lol.